One of the biggest challenges with building multiracial relationships is knowing how to respond when someone shares they have experienced racism. What could be an opportunity for fostering connection often becomes another way for people of color to feel disappointed, excluded, and harmed. These interactions also end up being a prime example of performative allyship.

If a person of color trusts you enough to share they’ve experienced racism, that’s your cue to show up—not to get defensive, be dismissive, or center yourself. Building relationships and solidarity for racial equity starts with listening, decentering yourself, and supporting people of color. 

Here’s how you can respond when someone says they’ve experienced racism:

Don’t minimize or dismiss. Don’t question if it really happened or make up excuses for why it happened. It happened, because racism happens ALL. THE. TIME. And trust us, it happens way more than we even share. Please don’t compound the harm by acting if it’s all in our head or that maybe we just misinterpreted things.

Don’t compare. No, this is not exactly just like the time you were treated differently because of your gender, sexual identity, class, size, or enter your marginalized identity here. It doesn’t make those things less valid, but let people of color express ourselves without filtering through your experience. Don’t make it about you.

Listen. Really, just stop talking for a moment. Be present and sit with whatever is coming up for you. And whatever might be coming up for the person of color sharing their experiences. Shame, guilt, discomfort, anger, defensiveness, outrage, fragility. The onus is on you to deal with those feelings, not on people of color to guide you through the complicated feelings that come with confronting racism.

Pause. Take a moment before you do anything (besides listening!). White supremacy makes people feel like they have to swoop in and be a savior. Don’t launch into action or problem solving mode. 

Ask people how they want to be supported. You don’t need the perfect mic drop response. Just acknowledge what happened, say it’s effed up, and ask what that person needs. They might need to share more, they might need you to speak up, they might need a distraction, or they might just need space. 

Do your homework. Antiracism requires ongoing education and reflection. Stay curious and keep learning. That’s how we build the muscles to recognize racism, call out inequities, and understand how white supremacy operates. When we keep learning, we know how to challenge and respond to racism so next time you witness racism or someone tells you they experienced it you’ll know what to do.